45. [BIRTH STORY] WITH NIX OF UNTAMED BIRTH - FROM A HEAVILY MEDICALIZED FIRST BIRTH TO A REDEMPTIVE JOYFUL AND FAST HOME BIRTH

"I am a woman, badass home-birthing mother of 2 boys, sacred birth worker, yoga and pregnancy yoga teacher, mother’s circle facilitator, daughter, sister, friend…! Born in Cape Town, I now live in Bristol, UK.

I have experienced one heavily medicalised and traumatic birth in hospital with my first born Huxley and one EPIC redemptive, empowering, physiological home birth with my second born Billy.

My own personal birthing journey has ignited a burning passion in me to serve women within the birth space and it is my mission to help women remain sovereign and empowered in their births.

I recognise birth as a sacred, life altering event worthy of honouring, safeguarding and celebrating. I believe the shift from Maiden to Mother through birth is a powerful Rite of Passage in desperate need of reclamation, and I walk alongside women to support her through this transformation.

To me, women supporting women isn’t just important, its crucial to the healing of this world."

Nix Elsworth

Untamed Birth

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Music The Ancients (feat. Loga Ramin Torkian) by Azam Ali

Disclaimer:

The information and resources provided by me are not intended to constitute or replace medical or midwifery advice or a Mother’s intuition. Instead, all information provided is intended for education purposes only. My advice is not to be seen as medical diagnosis or to treat any medical illness or condition of Mother or baby/fetus.

The following is AI generated and may include errors

[00:16] Emily: Welcome to Soul Evolution.

[00:19] My name is Emily, also known as the Birth Advocate. I am a retired nurse, health coach, women's circle and ceremony facilitator, and the host of this podcast. Here we dive deep to reclaim our rites of passage with a big dose of birth story medicine, intentionally curious conversations with embodied wisdom keepers, and a sprinkle of polarity as we will hold space for our men from time to time too.

[00:49] I hope you find nourishment for your soul here, as you probably heard my course so youo Want a Home Birth. Your complete guide to an Empowering Physiology Theological Birth is now available.

[01:03] You can listen to episode 41 to hear all about it, or you can go to my website www.birthadvocate.me course to learn more.

[01:14] I have poured my heart and soul into this complete guide to an empowering physiological home birth course. You will walk away feeling ready, body, mind and soul, knowing that everything you need to birth your baby already exists within you.

[01:29] Your questions will be answered, guaranteed. Your fears will be quelled. I walk you through, step by step, exactly how to prepare yourself, your partner and your home for the most incredible experience you get to have in this lifetime.

[01:46] Birth is a sacred rite of passage worthy of honoring.

[01:50] Do not leave it up to chance.

[01:52] Stay tuned after the show to learn all about my Beyond Adola offerings both in person and virtually worldwide.

[02:01] If you're enjoying the content, please consider a donation to help cover the cost of production. I alone schedule, record, edit and produce this beautiful labor of love. You can either donate through my website www.birthadvocate.me

[02:17] donate or simply venmo me at thebirthadvocate.

[02:22] Reading your reviews on itunes and seeing the ratings on Spotify just makes my day. Please, if you haven't yet, take the time to do so now. It really helps expand the reach and send this episode to someone who needs it.

[02:37] You will find photos and videos of my guests on my Instagram account, Birth Advocate. You can always email me at connectirthadvocate me. I'd love to hear from you. Now let's drop into today's episode.

[02:57] Emily: Welcome Nyx to my podcast.

[03:00] Emily: This has been a long time coming.

[03:02] Emily: You are one of my mentorship sisters. You are in the second cohort but we, yeah, we are birds of a feather I do believe and I heard your birth story on the Natural Birth podcast and it is amazing.

[03:18] I was just saying before we hit record though that I don't remember like all the details so it's going to be like similar to me hearing him for the first time.

[03:25] But I'm really grateful that you were able to carve this time out for yourself. Your little babies are in bed and that you are here to share your stories. So welcome.

[03:37] Nix: Thank you. Emily. I'm so excited to be here. And like you said, it's really nice just to have a couple of hours just to sit down and revisit the birth. It's really healing to do that.

[03:50] And I, you know, I've told my story a couple of times and each time I do, it's really joyful. So thank you.

[03:57] Emily: Yeah. So you are, did you tell me just seven months postpartum from your last birth?

[04:03] Nix: Yeah, seven months with our youngest and then our oldest is just turned three. So we're in that chaos.

[04:10] Emily: Chaos zone in the thick of it. Yes. And you have this beautiful accent. Where are you on the planet right now?

[04:19] Nix: I am in England in a city called Bristol.

[04:24] Emily: Were you born and raised there?

[04:26] Nix: No. So I was born in Cape Town, South Africa, but I don't think I've got an accent anymore. Maybe I do a little bit, but we moved here when I was five, so I'm English, even though I like to say I'm from South Africa.

[04:42] Emily: Yeah, I did my 23andMe and apparently I am quite a bit British. I have a lot of that.

[04:51] Of that in my blood and a lot of Irish too, which is interesting.

[04:55] But anyway, you know, I, I was trying something new with this third season. Maybe not asking that question about women's red thread lineages, but I am curious about still. I'm curious, you know, like, what was your belief about birth before your first birth?

[05:14] Maybe like, how did your own birth play into it? What did your mother maybe teach you about birth or not? Just sort of. Let's start with that origin.

[05:24] Nix: Yeah, I love that question.

[05:26] My dad was an anesthetist doctor, so we come from a medical background and he actually worked in the maternity ward when we lived in Cape Town. He was in private practice there.

[05:41] So his view or birth was medical emergencies because obviously anaesthetists are only called into operations.

[05:50] So yeah, you can imagine that of view of birth was just medicalized, very hospital orientated and growing up, all things surrounding kind of a woman's rite of passage. Like, you know, my first bleed birth sex.

[06:09] We never really talked about it with my mom. We have a great relationship. She's amazingly loving and caring, but she's not someone I would go deep with on things like this.

[06:20] So I don't have any kind of memories of, you know, discussing These topics in detail and really being taught about the kind of sacredness behind them.

[06:33] So, you know, I think it's very normal for women of our generation to grow up kind of just sweeping these huge rites of pastures under the carpet, not honoring them, celebrating them, even acknowledging them.

[06:47] So I, I battled a bit with disordered eating when I was in my teens and I didn't even get my first bleed until years probably after I should have done.

[06:56] And I don't even remember having my first period.

[07:00] And so it's interesting because by the time I got pregnant with my first baby, I was all already just immediately in the mindset of we're going to have a home birth.

[07:12] So some things flipped in that time from being a teenager to being in my early 30s of really realiz kind of how important and sacred birth was.

[07:24] And I can't recall when that happened because I've kind of done a U turn from my family and none of. I've got two older sisters and an older brother and they all birthed in hospital.

[07:35] So it's interesting, I've kind of broken that, that thread in our family. The one, I'm the one.

[07:44] But I've been on quite a journey over the last seven or eight years with a lot of self growth and self development and I think that's. That brought me to really kind of reclaiming back my body and honoring it and developing a good relationship with my body.

[08:02] And then birth is such a natural offshoot from that because, you know, it's just all about your body and growing your baby inside and birthing it and letting your body do its thing essentially.

[08:16] So I think that that healing journey I've been on over the last sort of decade led me to have my beliefs about birth that I do today.

[08:26] So yeah, where I'm at now is very different to my family kind of lineage.

[08:32] And I've talked to my mum about my birth and my brothers and sisters births because I'm the youngest of four. So we have quite a big family. My mum's birthed four babies and they were all quite straightforward births, apart from her first, my older sister, which was an induction actually because the doctor was going away for the weekend and he wanted to get her birth out the way.

[09:01] So she was induced and then ended up in forceps. And it was all very traumatic. But then my next, the her next two births were quite quick natural births. I think my dad actually delivered one of the babies because it was so quick.

[09:15] Emily: Well, she delivered the baby, but she.

[09:17] Nix: Delivered the baby absolutely right. That's a real slip of my tongue.

[09:24] He caught the baby, I think.

[09:27] And then with me, it's a really interesting story because she went in for one of her final midwife checkups, and they did a check on her when she was there, and they were like, oh, you're already 2 centimeters.

[09:42] She wasn't in labor. She just, you know, I guess, fourth baby, her body was sort of doing its thing already, and they were like, oh, we'll just break your waters to get you going, then you may as well kickstart this.

[09:54] And when I was speaking to her about this, I was like, why?

[09:58] She. She was like, oh, I don't know. That's just kind of what they did. So I guess I was kind of induced. Yeah, I was, because I wouldn't have come as early, and she still had me naturally.

[10:09] But, yeah, obviously labor didn't start on its own.

[10:14] And again with that generation, I think all of the births were, you know, lying on your back.

[10:20] Probably a consultant doctor was there for all of them to assist with the delivery and catch the baby. And, yeah, I would have had all the usual, you know, baby separated immediately and wrapped up and done all the checks.

[10:35] So, yeah, no kind of horrific complications, but just a typical birth from that generation, I think.

[10:46] Yeah. Was that all your questions? I was trying to remember what I was.

[10:50] Emily: Yes, it was. And then you're not quite sure if there was a catalyst moment, but somewhere in the last 10 to seven years, you have begun this journey which brought you to be a more embodied woman, and you wanted to home birth.

[11:07] So take us to preparing to home birth and this first pregnancy.

[11:13] Nix: Yeah, so we fell pregnant. It was the end of the first year of COVID So it was the end of 2020, and it was quite a bleak time for our family.

[11:26] Obviously it was, you know, the end of COVID that first year. So everyone was still in lockdown here.

[11:33] My dad had just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was about to have a big operation which he's fully recovered from, so that's great.

[11:42] My uncle had passed away, so it was this huge, like, combination of events that was really sad for our family. And I got pregnant and then miscarried or had an early pregnancy loss at around six weeks.

[11:57] We weren't planning.

[11:59] It was a surprise pregnancy, that first one, and we were really devastated when we lost the baby. Even though it was a surprise and it was super early, you know, I only bled for a few hours, I think, or through the night, and then it kind of stopped.

[12:15] But there was a lot of mixed feelings about that and we were really sad.

[12:20] And then I got pregnant again on my next cycle. It was really curious. So about two weeks later I got pregnant again. So it was this really interesting, crazy kind of rollercoaster of emotion, time to navigate because there was this huge high and then low and then finding out we were pregnant again.

[12:39] We were over the moon, but never really had space to kind of grieve or do ceremony around that first pregnancy loss.

[12:48] So that set the tone for that first pregnancy.

[12:53] Yeah, I was very anxious, particularly in that first trimester.

[12:58] I think once you had a pregnancy loss that stays with you and you know, every kind of minor stomach cramp I had, I'd be petrified that, you know, we were going to lose the baby again.

[13:10] And I just didn't settle into the pregnancy very well and I think I was battling anxiety at that point anyway in my life I was still dealing with a lot of things that happened in the four years prior.

[13:25] So yeah, it wasn't the most comfortable of pregnancies. Even though physically I felt, well, I felt fine.

[13:33] I didn't suffer with any kind of nausea or any like difficult symptoms to deal with in pregnancy. I'm quite lucky in that sense, other than extreme tiredness. So yeah, it was a, it was like a fine pregnancy.

[13:48] I had my 12 week scan and then the 20 week scan.

[13:53] Emily: Seeing an OB or a midwife.

[13:55] Nix: We have midwives here, so in the UK it's just, it's midwife checkups all the way through unless you are deemed to be kind of higher risk and then you would have consultant led care.

[14:06] Emily: Is that publicly funded too?

[14:09] Nix: Yeah, all publicly funded here. Yeah. Which is really great. But you don't then get much of a choice unless you.

[14:16] Emily: Is it continuity of care? Like you see this.

[14:21] Nix: In your kind of appointments in the lead up to the birth. You might see the same midwife if you were going to the same birth center or practice, but then it would be completely pot luck on the birth who you have.

[14:36] Emily: Can you hire a private one to be a continuity of care?

[14:41] Nix: You can. I looked into it with our second, but they are astronomically expensive. We're talking about 6,000 British pounds, which.

[14:50] Emily: Is like what's that translated into dollars, do you know?

[14:54] Nix: I don't know, I don't know.

[14:56] Emily: But it's, it's about 5,000, almost $6,000 here to hire a midwife.

[15:02] Nix: Yeah, it's more than the average household can afford. And then if you wanted to do those, you know, dealer as well, it's. You're nearing kind of 10, £10,000. That's a lot.

[15:14] So, yeah, I went to all the normal checkups and then it was really strange. I had a letter through, I think it was around 28 weeks, and I was booked in for a growth scan and we didn't know why.

[15:29] And I remember asking the midwife and she looked through my notes and she said, this is really strange. I can't see anything in here, why you would need a great scan at this stage.

[15:38] But we. Again, I was quite naive in the first birth, as you often are. I wasn't very well informed. I think I was very trusting of the process and I wanted a home birth, but I was still in that, like, la, la, la, Everything's going to be fine.

[15:53] My body would just do it. So I didn't even stop to think about questioning going to an extra scan if I didn't feel it was needed.

[16:03] So we happily went along to that and they picked up that there was a slight odd measurement. With one of the measurements, I think it might be on the leg or the body or something.

[16:13] She wasn't happy. It was. It was way under what it should have been.

[16:17] And so she booked us in for like three or four weeks later to come back. And again, we didn't think anything of it at the time.

[16:24] I was just, you know, sure it was just a funny reading that they'd got. And then when we came back again, which must have been around 31, 32 weeks, it was like all hell broke loose.

[16:39] We had the growth scan and they were like, oh, your baby isn't growing. There's something drastically wrong.

[16:45] But the way they delivered this news to us was just awful. And we were put in this tiny room and left alone for like an hour. And I was just hysterically sobbing because.

[16:57] And a nurse had come in and she was. She looked me up and down and she was like, well, yeah, of course something's wrong. Look at you, you're barely showing.

[17:03] And I've never met this midwife, or it was just awful. And she was like, yeah, they're probably going to see today.

[17:10] And you know when you're just. You're. The whole world just falls apart from under your feet. And it was horrific. And then eventually we met with a doctor and they were like, oh, no, we're not going to induce you today.

[17:23] You know, all the other measurements we're doing, like, the flow from the placenta, the fluid, everything, the brain, everything looks really good. The baby's just small.

[17:35] So we're gonna get you to Come back in a few days time and we'll take you to the fetal monitoring clinic. And they measured, like, the place, they gave the placenta a score.

[17:47] It was quite a new test they were doing. And again, what the figure that came back was like, okay, it wasn't great, it wasn't bad. And so it's all very confusing.

[17:56] We didn't know what was going on other than something was wrong. We were being told, and it's worth saying at this point that the women in my family have very small babies, and that is what is normal for us.

[18:10] So my mom, my two sisters, they've all had babies that were between six and seven pounds, nothing bigger than that. And so I kept saying this to lots of the consultants we were seeing.

[18:25] I was saying that we have small babies in my family. I, you know, this is normal for us.

[18:32] And, yeah, it was just a really sad position to be in because suddenly, you know, I was quite anxious anyway. And then this whole pregnancy just got derailed and we were just so worried.

[18:47] First time around, you're being told every checkup that something's right, a baby's not growing. We had the threat of induction just hanging over us because they basically said, you know, when you get to 37 weeks, you will be induced.

[18:59] We had a doula.

[19:03] I'm kind of. She was great. She was amazing during the birth, which I'll come on to. But if I put myself with the information I know now and, you know, everything we learn on the birth, work and mentorship, we weren't really.

[19:18] We didn't have enough space held for us that we needed to have held. And we weren't provided with the resources I feel we probably should have been to make an informed decision.

[19:28] And, you know, looking through my birth notes, whenever we had a scan, they kept saying, like, everything's perfect. The baby's just small. That was what our consultant kept saying. And so now I know what I know now.

[19:44] You know, the flow is fine from the placenta.

[19:48] I, you know, I think the baby probably, if it had been left until term and I went to 42 weeks for my second one, you know, probably would have actually come out at around 6 or 7 pounds, which is normal for our family.

[20:00] But anyway, we, yeah, we got to 37 weeks. The final kind of straw was we saw this different consultant. He basically said, yeah, you know, if you're not induced on Monday, you're, you know, you're what, you're going to kill your baby, basically.

[20:16] And we'd be asked to, like, question everything we're being told and, you know, get the benefits and the risks and the alternatives. And we tried to do that with him and he just was so condescending and just.

[20:29] It was. We were treated so badly and by that point we were so defeated, we just said, do you know what, let's just have the induction because this is just no way to live our pregnancy.

[20:37] We were just so stressed and yeah, so that was a really sad end to the pregnancy. And I battle a lot with the regret about that because I wish, I wish we just left the baby inside.

[20:50] I mean, logically, that's just the best place, right? What are you going to gain from taking the baby out other than having a really weak little defenseless baby who hasn't got all the fat it needs to, like, survive?

[21:04] So, yes, all talk of home birth went out the window at that point.

[21:09] We couldn't even birth in the midwife led units because they had a rule that a baby has to be over five and a half pounds and the estimates from the scans were slightly under that.

[21:21] So we had to divert, obviously in the central delivery suite with an induction.

[21:26] Emily: So I understand it was like a really confusing time and like, it was scary and you had a lot of anxiety from other stuff going on in your life. But, like, did anybody ever, like, explain anything?

[21:40] Like you, like you said, the flow, the blood from the placenta to your baby was fine. It was not compromised and everything else was fine. She or he was just small.

[21:50] Did anybody explain why 37 weeks was like, you had to be induced then versus letting the baby grow a little longer? Like, you know, because it's just those moments in time where it's like, it, you know, it makes no sense to us with the knowledge that we have now.

[22:08] But so many mothers out there could be hearing the story and like, you know, be faced with the same circumstance that you're talking about. Like, you know what I'm saying?

[22:18] Nix: No one explained by. No one explained by. And the only person to make me stop and think was actually my sister. We had a call because she'd been through similar things because obviously we have small babies, so she had the same fight when she had hers and she was like, nix.

[22:34] The best place for your baby is in your tummy. And I remember listening to that and thinking, God, yeah. But by that point, I think we know we. The induction was booked and we had.

[22:46] We'd have that dead baby card thrown at us and my nerves were just in bits. But no, we weren't ever told why. And, you know, clearly it Wasn't true emergency, otherwise we would have been waiting Monday straight away, Right?

[22:59] Yeah.

[23:01] So I think, you know, for anyone who's in a similar situation, if it's not true fetal growth restriction, which I think when there is, that's when there is a issue.

[23:11] Is that right with the flow? Yeah.

[23:13] Emily: Yep. Yep.

[23:14] Nix: Then. Then it is beneficial, I think, to induce. But if it's just looking like the baby's small, then, you know, there's an option just to keep going back in for growth, for stands to check everything's fine.

[23:27] And as long as baby's moving and you're feeling fine, then that longer is better, I think. I don't know what your opinion is on that for sure.

[23:37] Emily: And also just, you know, the mother and her intuition and her connection to her baby, you know, like tuning in, asking baby, like, are you okay? How are you feeling?

[23:47] Nix: Like you.

[23:48] Emily: You had no intuition that anything was wrong until they're telling you that your baby's measuring small, and then all of a sudden that opens Pandora's box of anxiety and fear and questions.

[23:59] Nix: Yeah.

[24:00] And I remember trying to like drop in towards the end, and I couldn't. I just couldn't. I was so disassociated from what was actually going on in my body.

[24:10] But I didn't have a super strong meditation practice at that time, so I think I found it harder to really tap into my intuition and know and know what was really happening.

[24:25] So, yeah, we got to 37 weeks, we agreed to have the induction. And I'm really proud of how we did the induction because it could have ended so much worse than it did.

[24:38] And we managed to do the whole thing drug free, which I'm really pleased about. So that's a real silver lining.

[24:48] When we started, we had here, it's called a cook balloon, but I think it's called the Foley catheter. So it's like a little water balloon that goes up inside your cervix and it's meant to mimic the baby's head and you kind of leave that in.

[25:03] And I had a few contractions that night. After we had that in, I had to stay the night in hospital and my partner had to go home because it was still Covid.

[25:12] He wasn't allowed to stay. So that was a really horrible night because. Because I was starting to get waves coming in. I was in this hospital room feeling like I just.

[25:21] This is the last place on earth I want to be. I adrenaline went up and I was feeling really shaky and I was actually petrified. But of Course you were, yeah.

[25:31] But everything then stopped in the morning and we had to wait then like 16 hours until the actual induction started because I think they were short on beds. So it was really funny.

[25:43] We actually broke out of hospital. I remember it was a really hot sun summer's day and so I was wearing these like really like knee high compression socks and had catheters swinging between my legs.

[25:56] And we went out to this sort of like restaurant and had brunch. It was great. And so that was really nice just to kind of take a little bit of control back of that experience with my partner.

[26:06] And then yeah, later on that evening we went into the room we were going to bath in and they broke my waters.

[26:14] And again, this is something I'm really proud of is usually it would be a two hour time limit and then if nothing happens after they break the waters, you would then be put on the drip with, is it Centocin or Pitocin to kind of get contractions going.

[26:30] And so after my waters break, I was starting to get a few waves come through. And so we said, no, we're going to wait longer than two hours because stuff's happening, let's just see, you know, what occurs.

[26:45] And I went into labor after about four hours. I was getting regular waves coming through.

[26:51] And we did have a really beautiful couple of hours actually in that room.

[26:56] So my partner, bless him, he like, he brought our whole like living room and bedroom into this delivery suite. So we had like a rugs, lamps, fairy lights, like I think you had like pictures on the wall.

[27:10] We had about 50 of these battery powered tea lights. That was all that was lighting the room.

[27:16] And the doctor who's in there, this lady, she was like, I'm gonna need a light to see my notes and stuff. And we were like, no, here's 10 tea lights.

[27:24] Just put them.

[27:27] And she did.

[27:28] And yeah, when I was starting to get fairly regular contractions, we had my birthing playlist on and we were dancing together and it was really lovely.

[27:36] That was a really nice moment. I remember that. And yeah, the waves got regular quite quickly.

[27:43] I've learned now that I think I just have super fast births because this was a cold induction at 37 weeks and I still went into labor. And you'll see that the actual whole birth was about 8 hours still ish from when it really ramped up.

[27:57] So yeah, about four hours after the waters were break and I was sort of establishing labor.

[28:04] And yeah, it got intense very quickly. And I think again that's because my waters have Been broken and there was no kind of gradual buildup and I wasn't prepared for the intensity of that.

[28:18] So I was getting quite overwhelmed with these surges quite quickly. And I felt very out of control.

[28:24] I think I was fighting it a little bit. Nardula came and she was great, but I just. I just remember feeling like I was drowning a bit in the sensations and I wasn't coping.

[28:37] And after about. I lose track of time. Maybe about six hours, I asked I'd be checked. We'd said we didn't want any vaginal exams, but I asked to be checked.

[28:47] And I think I was about 5 or 6 centimeters. And they were like, wow, that's amazing. But in my head, I was like, oh, my God, I'm 85, I can't do this.

[28:55] And that really shook me mentally because from that point I was just really defeated. And in my mind, I think I was like, I can't carry on. I can't do this.

[29:04] Even though we were doing great up until that point.

[29:07] And, yeah, I just kind of lost control at that point. And I was being sick a lot. I vomited a lot. And I actually have a phobia of vomit. So I was really not enjoying that because every time I knew I was going to be sick, I was just like, oh.

[29:21] And, yeah, I just remember screaming at one point that just to my partner, I'm just. I'm absolutely dying. I'm going to die. Like, I can't do this. Please just get me an epidural now.

[29:35] Even though the last thing I wanted.

[29:38] And again, in hindsight, that was probably transition.

[29:41] And my dude, I should have really known that because I think all I would have needed in that point is just for someone to, like, you know, hold my hands and look me in the eye and be like, you're amazing.

[29:52] This is it. This is the peak. You're nearly there, you know, you're doing it. But everyone was like, yeah, great, we'll get the anesthesia because we're in the hospital. And I think they want that in a way, don't they?

[30:03] You sort of hand yourself over to them.

[30:05] So the anesthesia, like, really jolly, man, like, like, marched into the recently. He was like, hello, how are you doing? And trying to chat to me. And I was like, having these enormous waves.

[30:19] Looking at him like, are you crazy?

[30:22] He was like, yeah, I just need you to sit still. And I was like, I can't sit still.

[30:29] And I think it was at that point, my dude is spotted. I had the purple line going up my bum which is an indication that you're, you know, nearing full dilation.

[30:38] She said to the doctor, she said, can you just check her again? I think she might be fully dilated because I was having trouble sitting at this point. So this was probably only a couple of hours after I was 5 centimeters.

[30:51] And the doctor checked me and yeah, I was fully dilated. So they sent anesthetist away because there was no time for that.

[31:00] And they were like, oh, do you feel like pushing? And again, this is really interesting looking back, because I spent must have been about three hours trying to push this baby out.

[31:13] And I don't remember sort of having the sensation to push.

[31:17] And, you know, I was probably in a rest and be thankful stage at that point. I probably should have just rested, but I didn't because I think, yeah, I was just being told, you should be pushing now.

[31:28] And I.

[31:29] Emily: Let's take a moment right here and just for anybody listening, because this is so. This, this gets under my skin. It really does. So much there. There is a known latent phase right after transition, right before the womb, the fundus, the magical, beautiful fundus, that muscle that builds at the top of the womb, starts to push the baby down and out.

[31:53] And there is this. It's called the Ferguson reflex, named after a man, of course, but this is. This pushes the baby down. And as the baby's head pushes down into the vaginal canal and on the pelvic floor, there's these receptors there that then also encourage this urge to push.

[32:10] So it's like it's a natural sensation that happens. And I know that there are some births, of course, where a mother has to manually push. And a lot of times for first time moms, I'm told, they, they need to be coached or whatever.

[32:25] I didn't have that experience in my birth. So, you know, I'm just. That's just my anecdotal experience. I. My body pushed my baby out. But this whole. We get this latent phase, and sometimes it only lasts moments, sometimes it can last hours.

[32:40] But it's a time between transition, when you become fully dilated, and then the emergence, the pushing of the baby where the mother can rest, collect herself, gather her strength, gather her energy.

[32:54] She might sleep, contractions might completely stop. And that's okay. It's a physiological pause. And this is normal, and this is okay. And this is not accepted, understood, acknowledged in a medicalized setting.

[33:09] Some. Some midwives don't even, you know, it's like this. There's this myth of your 10 centimeters. It's time to push. Now let's. Whatever contraction comes next, take all that energy that you have and push.

[33:22] And then these first time moms are using up all this energy for hours and hours to try to manually push this baby out. It's like trying to force yourself to poop when you, like, you're not ready to poop.

[33:34] You know what I mean? Like, come when it's ready. And I just, I get up, I get all, I get all upset when I hear stories about women being told to push just because they're 10 centimeters.

[33:47] The body is going to start to push when it's time to push. I mean, there are circumstances when that's not true. The baby might not be engaged, but also that's what that latent phase can be about.

[33:56] The baby passively moves down until the pressure is where it needs to be to elicit those urges to push. No, that's nice. Feel. I'm sorry.

[34:07] Nix: Yeah, and that's exactly what happened. I was, you know, I, I gave everything, you know, and I was absolutely spent. And yeah, it was just, it was horrific. And you know, we always say a woman is so sensitive in labor, she can pick up on everything in the room.

[34:26] And this whole time I was so aware of this doctor just like whispering in the corner. People were coming in, she was looking at me and then whispering. And you know, in your mind, you're like, something' wrong.

[34:36] They're gonna, they're gonna intervene. And I was just felt so stressed by that. And of course, because it was an induction, I was also on a ctg and they kept losing the reading and then interrupting me, being like, oh, you have to move now because, you know, we're not getting the reading.

[34:51] And it was just, it was really annoy. All of these things were just so annoying. All massive disturbances to what I needed.

[34:59] And I, yeah, I could tell they were getting concerned about the length of time when I was getting very tired. And it, it was actually my doula who suggested I try sitting on a birthing stool she had bought, which was amazing.

[35:11] And she got me to, she put a rebozo, I think, scarf around my partner's neck and got me to pull down on that while I was pushing.

[35:19] And the doctor gave me an episiotomy.

[35:23] At that point, they did ask consent, and, you know, you're not with it at all. So I just said yes. And we managed to birth the baby out on the stool.

[35:33] There was a hand on his face. I think that was causing a bit of a blockage.

[35:38] Emily: He had a hand up, you're saying?

[35:40] Nix: Yeah, his hand was Nuchal hand.

[35:42] Emily: Yeah.

[35:43] Nix: Nice. Yeah.

[35:45] So we birthed in the end, but it was all such a blur to me.

[35:51] And the first. I would always be quite sad. That first hour after birth, it was the opposite of a golden hour. I don't remember anything joyous about. I barely remember having him handed to me.

[36:02] I think I was so exhausted.

[36:04] And then you're just swarmed upon in the hospital and it was excruciating. Just everyone was poking, prodding me and I had a very. I had a bad hemorrhage. It was about 1.7

[36:19] liters of blood I lost, which looking back now, I mean, it makes perfect sense. My poor little uterus couldn't contract back. I mean, not only was I in complete.

[36:31] Complete fight or flight mode, you know, I was totally exhausted as well and just petrified and.

[36:38] Yeah, so they gave me the tosin injection and the bleeding did stop. But I think my partner witnessing it was incredibly traumatized because obviously there was a lot of blood coming out and people were kind of running in and they got the placenta out.

[36:55] I think they were talking about surgery. And then the midwife came in and basically just yanked it out, but it came out and then the bleeding did stop. I felt very lightheaded and shaky, obviously, and I had a cath to put in and I didn't have a transfusion of blood, but I was very weak.

[37:15] And then, yeah, I just remember them quite aggressively, like stitching me up. And at that point I was screaming out, just, can everyone stop touching me? I just, I can't do this.

[37:25] And it felt like physical, like rape, like abuse. It was just horrific.

[37:29] And my partner held our baby while this was all happening. So it was a very horrible couple of hours after the birth.

[37:37] And we ended up staying in hospital for about five days because I don't really know why our baby was like. He actually was. He was 5.2 pounds, so that I think that was 2.36

[37:52] kilos. So he was small, but it was 37 weeks. So, you know, another five weeks he probably would have been much an average birth weight.

[38:03] So he had a few days in hospital.

[38:06] Emily: Well, losing that much blood is going to make you feel very weak, you know, it's understandable.

[38:12] Nix: Yeah. And I was glad actually to be in hospital for a few days and just have some support.

[38:18] But he established breastfeeding super quick, which was really good. I think they were concerned with small babies that they can struggle, but he was fine.

[38:27] Actually, a week after he was born, they weighed him and they couldn't believe it because he was, he'd maintained his birth weight. Usually they drop or think he was more than his birth weight.

[38:36] So he was like, he was a good little feeder.

[38:39] And then when we got home, it was just magical. We were just absolutely in our baby bubble. We weren't interrupted by anyone and we just, we just, yeah, everything was just amazing from then onwards with very little troubles.

[38:53] So that was our first birth. You know, for an induction, I think it went amazingly well.

[39:00] The Most induction cold, 37 weeks, probably end up, you know, with a five day labor and then an emergency C section. So yeah, it went well, but it's definitely not the birth we were planning or wanted.

[39:14] So yeah, that was our first.

[39:17] Emily: Did you walk away from that feeling traumatized, feeling empowered? Like what were your takeaways? What was your experience?

[39:28] Nix: I.

[39:29] More on the traumatized scale.

[39:32] I didn't feel traumatized in terms of like we'd been had obstetric violence or abuse.

[39:40] I felt like we controlled the induction as best as we could and had the best outcome from that. But I felt desperately sad that that's how the birth played out.

[39:50] And I still carry a lot of guilt today, which I'm trying to put to bed that our baby was born like we, I let our baby be born that way when we probably could have had a natural home birth had we left him in.

[40:02] And it would have been an extremely different entry into the world. And you know, little things like he had, he had a fetal scalp electrode, which for anyone listening doesn't know what that is.

[40:13] It's, it's a, it's another way of monitoring the baby's heartbeat when they're being born with a little like screw, essentially that goes into the top of their head.

[40:22] I mean, it's horrifying the thought that that was the first thing to touch my baby's head, you know, and just being forced to come out sooner, you know, the birth imprint.

[40:35] It's so clear with our firstborn because he's such a dear, sensitive little soul. He's amazing. But you know, he's a really sensitive little boy. He's quite anxious about things.

[40:50] He takes his time to do things, you know, he really thinks about it and needs a lot of reassurance. He's never slept, ever.

[40:58] He still wakes up all night long just needing someone there, you know, and I, you know, I, I think that's directly linked to his birth. So, yeah, it's more sadness, I think, the trauma for the first birth.

[41:14] Emily: Yeah, yeah. Well, I really appreciate you sharing that story because obviously there's so much medicine involved in that and lessons for women to learn. And you. Our first birth. I'm so, I'm so excited that you wanted to have a home birth, you know, for your first birth.

[41:31] So many women use their first birth as like a trial run, like, oh, you know, I'll just do the first birth in the hospital, you know, just to make sure I can do it.

[41:38] And then all home birth. But yeah, yeah, there's just, there's so much there, you know, there's so much information that women can look up and glean as far as a small baby versus a big baby and you know, what is like what truly indicates, you know, an induction being needed and what doesn't and you know, finding providers that will support you.

[42:00] And there's a lot there.

[42:03] And you know, I'm sure too, within your postpartum experience, you know, becoming a mother to this precious, sensitive little being, that it formed and molded you into quite an extraordinary mother, having to meet his needs and sensitivities.

[42:20] Nix: That's true, yes. Never stop to think of it like that. Yeah, for sure.

[42:25] Emily: Yeah, yeah. So how long after this birth before you guys conceived your second then was it like a year and a half?

[42:36] Nix: It was two, about two years.

[42:39] Just under two years? Yeah, yeah, just under two years. So it's a little bit sooner, I think than we were planning again. This wasn't conscious conception.

[42:51] Just kind of happened again.

[42:54] Quite a shock for my partner. I think it was sooner than he would have liked, but he got over that.

[43:00] Emily: Well, you know, when you have a very sensitive little toddler, it is like sometimes, you know, if you were trying to plan, like they need a little extra time or you would want to have a little extra time to help.

[43:13] But we don't always get to plan these things.

[43:19] So you found out you're pregnant and then what?

[43:23] Nix: Yeah, and then it was, it was like there was this fire inside my belly and I was like, right, we are owning this pregnancy this time around and we are going to birth on our terms in our own way.

[43:36] And I just felt, I felt like badass from the start this pregnancy. I think I'd grown in confidence a lot since the first one. Again, just I'd had a lot more self development work in those years since the birth and becoming much more of an embodied woman and just feeling confidence in my body, like a love for my body.

[43:59] So when I got pregnant again, there was none of that anxiety I had in the first one. It was just Joy and just really relaxing into the pregnancy. And I didn't want to nix.

[44:10] Emily: I just want to like take a second because that, that's incredible. You know, having had your prior experience and then taking those precious, you know, two years postpartum with this sensitive, precious little being, but using that time to also like foster self care, nurturing intuition, trust in your body, like that's, that's really amazing and I just want to acknowledge you for that.

[44:36] Oh, thank you.

[44:39] Nix: Yeah, yeah.

[44:42] And when I found out I was pregnant, I, I didn't want to tell anyone medical for a long time. I just wanted to keep it just, just with us. It just felt good.

[44:54] It felt really nice. And I ended up ringing the hospital. I think when I was end of the first trimester I would have gone on longer because it felt so nice just to be like, you know, have a wild pregnancy up until that point.

[45:09] But we talked about it and we did, we wanted to have that first scan just to check everything was okay.

[45:16] So I rung them up and like I knew immediately.

[45:21] She was like, oh, I could see from the first pregnancy your baby was small. Say you are immediately high risk and you're going to be put under consultant LED care.

[45:31] And I was just like, no, no, we're not.

[45:34] I'm not, I'm healthy. This pregnancy is healthy. There's no indicators anything's wrong. So you could tick that box, but see you later. Basically we're just like, oh, okay, cool.

[45:48] So it's funny.

[45:52] So we had that scan and I went along to my midwife checkups, but every one of those I was quite detached in a way. You know, I was very chilled.

[46:04] I knew everything was fine. I was talking to baby a lot. We went to the 20 week scan and I think at both of the scans they couldn't get a very good reading because the baby was in a bad position.

[46:17] And at each of them they were like, oh, we're going to get you to come back in another week. And at each time we were like, nope, no, we only want one scan.

[46:25] So whatever reading you get, that's what you get basically. And so we really, like, we just owned every decision, which felt really empowering.

[46:34] And yeah, it was funny because the dating scan that I was dated like a week earlier than what I knew the due date quotation marks should have been because I knew when we conceived and things.

[46:46] And she basically said, oh, we can't really get an accurate reading because the baby's not in a good position. So we've got this date and it Was like a week earlier.

[46:54] And that would have been, you know, the day they base everything on. But again, I was very relaxed because I was like, well, I'm happy to go to 44 weeks.

[47:01] I don't mind saying that. Date me whatever you want.

[47:05] But, yeah, so that 20 week scan, that, that was the last time we set foot in any medical establishment in that whole pregnancy, which is.

[47:17] And what was even better was at 28 weeks, we.

[47:22] You're then transferred here to the home birth team if you want a home birth.

[47:27] And we're so lucky. Like the city we live in, Bristol, it's very. It's a very liberal city. Home birth is quite big here.

[47:35] I say big. Like, I think the home birth percentage last month was 3 or 4%, still low, but I think the average national average is about 1.8 or something. So it's double.

[47:48] Yeah. And we have a really incredible home birth team. Like every midwife you meet is just like, yes, you speak my language, this is great. They kind of like renegades, I think, a little bit from the system.

[48:01] And so from 28 weeks, all of my midwife appointments were at my house, which was just as they should be. Like, it just. It devastates me that this is just not the norm.

[48:15] Every time I went in prior to that to a midwife checkup in the hospital, you know, they're horrible. You're like, you're in and out in like 10 minutes. So impersonal.

[48:24] They're ticking boxes. Whereas, you know, they come to your home and you make them tea and you eat cake and, like, you have a chat and they meet your kids.

[48:32] They were just so wonderful and they stayed for like an hour on each one.

[48:37] And everyone I met was just so incredible and, you know, everything was just really led by me, all the decision making and it was just a world away, like. And this is a free.

[48:50] You know, I'm so grateful this is all on our NHS service.

[48:54] And they try to send a different midwife to each one so that when you do give birth, you've probably met whoever's going to attend your birth. The team's about six, six or eight people, I think, and they were all amazing.

[49:05] So that was really incredible.

[49:08] Everything was going super well. Interestingly this time, like, I know it doesn't really mean anything, but my bump measurement was like bang on the average line. This whole pregnancy, that was the only thing I was slightly concerned about.

[49:21] And, yeah, it was just wonderful. And I had started the sacred birth work and mentorship, which probably your listeners know lots About. Because he talks. Went through it and you talked about it.

[49:33] Yeah, I started that when I was about six months pregnant.

[49:37] So I actually birthed halfway through the mentorship. And so to have the support from all these incredible sisters throughout the final stages of pregnancy.

[49:46] And then I had one on ones with Anna. So we did like my previous birth debrief and fear release about. I had a fear about hemorrhaging actually was my only fear with the home birth this time.

[49:56] But we managed to kind of work through that and understand that it's very unlikely this time around because it was conducive of the environment we were in. So just a really beautiful pregnancy.

[50:08] And I felt very fit and healthy and I wasn't sick again. I was eating really well, really craving a lot of meat this pregnancy. A lot of red meat and drinking gallons of milk.

[50:21] Like I just wanted to do milk. It was interesting.

[50:25] So everything was going so well until something really bad happened. I know what, I forgot about this.

[50:36] Like a flood. So.

[50:39] Emily: Right.

[50:42] Nix: Yeah. So we got to 38 weeks and everything was like perfect. And I had a little home birth space set up at home.

[50:50] And really ironically, me and my partner had had a day out at a spa.

[50:56] Our kid was at the childminder. So we had a really wonderful day. And then we got home and my partner opened the front door and he just stopped and he was like, babe, the house is underwater.

[51:08] And I was like, what?

[51:10] And I like peeked in and there was just like waterfalls coming through the ceiling and there was about 2ft of water in the entire downstairs. And basically a pipe had burst under our bath and had been pouring water out all day long through the ceiling.

[51:26] And I just stood there just. We were just in total shock. And then I remember just howling. I just lost it because I was just like, oh my God, this is our home.

[51:37] And then, yeah, it was just that total survival mode because I didn't want our toddler to see it again because, you know, that would really traumatize him. So I literally just put him in the car, managed to pack a suitcase and was like, we're going on holiday to your nanny and granddad's house.

[51:55] That I just drove to my parents house.

[51:58] Yeah, it was just crazy, a crazy, crazy time. And I was just so devastated and I just didn't know how to deal with it. And it was really fortunate that the very next day I had a one on one session with Anna, our mentor.

[52:15] So she just held me in that session and we cried and we just released and sounded and just let Everything go, basically.

[52:25] And she was amazing. She basically reminded me that you can birth anywhere, you birth from within, but, like, this baby isn't going to come while you're feeling unsafe. So she was like, you've got time.

[52:41] You've probably got another month, actually, because it's only 38 weeks. She was like, the baby's. He's not coming while you're in the state. So, yeah, so what happened is, like, we had insurance to cover everything, so we were housed in an Airbnb and we managed to get quite a nice one.

[52:57] We basically moved house.

[52:59] And again, there was no warning. So our poor toddler was just, you know, suddenly in this new place, no prior warning, about to have a sibling on the way. It was just this huge upset.

[53:10] So for about a week, I just remember walking around this Airbnb just thinking, oh, my gosh, I just can't birth here. Like, I don't feel safe. This isn't my home.

[53:18] Really freaking out, because then I was like, where am I going to birth? I can't be in hospital. I don't want to go to the midwife led unit because there's usually never space there and you're probably going to end up in the hospital.

[53:28] And I just had sat with myself in so much silence over those next two weeks. Just a meditation, really, trying to revisit the birth and the Airbnb, Just dropping in, chatting with the baby.

[53:42] And bit by bit, I managed to kind of land and reground until one day I just kind of looked around and I just thought, okay, we've got this. We can birth here.

[53:53] Fine, let's just do it.

[53:56] So, yeah, we got to a good place. We. We just massively just nested and we put up all our artwork over the walls and we got everything ready again for the home birth.

[54:06] Got supplies ready in a little corner. And yeah, the Airbnb was in an area that we used to live in, so we knew it really well. And that's the most wonderful park we could walk to.

[54:19] So every day we'd have the same little routine and just gradually began to feel okay. So, yeah, we got to a point when I was ready, that was about 40 weeks.

[54:30] And then, yeah, we were just waiting. And then 41 weeks came, and then 41 in three days, there was nothing. And I was so excited this time to go into labor naturally, because I never had that with the first baby.

[54:45] So I was just kind of like, itching for, like, labor to start because I was like, wow, I'm gonna have a beautiful early labor. And I had all these plans and what I was gonna do.

[54:56] And, you know, in my mind, we were gonna have this day when we made pancakes and I'd be having these minor contractions, and we'd get to the park and it'd be this lovely, long, you know, build up, and there was nothing.

[55:09] There was, like, no signs of early labor. And because we'd learned so much about the process, now I was waiting for my mucus plug to go. I was waiting to have, like, diarrhea and all of these things, and I had nothing.

[55:22] Like, not even Braxton Hicks. No, like, early contractions. It was so funny.

[55:29] So, yeah, it got to 41 weeks, and I think it was four days.

[55:37] And, yeah, that evening was the first time I just started to have a few, like, period cramps. Like, weren't even cramps, but just, like, a few longer kind of feelings in my tummy.

[55:49] And I remember sitting on my birth ball and just chatting with my partner. Like, I just feel a bit different tonight.

[55:57] No, like, contractions or anything, but just feel a bit strange. And he was like, do you want to call your dad to come and get our son? Because we talked about it a lot, about whether we wanted him at the birth.

[56:11] He was two and a half years old at that point, and for us, it didn't feel right.

[56:16] Yeah, he's quite a sensitive little boy, and he's still quite young. And I just don't think I would have been able to drop in fully and relax if I'd known he was in the house.

[56:25] So we knew my dad was going to come and get him, and he's about an hour and a half drive away.

[56:30] So I thought about it and I just said, no, let's get. Let's just wake up in the morning and see how we feel. And I'll tell you what, we'll get my dad to come get him then.

[56:40] And that gives us space to just have a day on our own, whatever happens. And so we went to bed.

[56:48] And then I woke up at the night at about 2 in the morning, and I had this really strange period pain. And it wasn't one that came and went. It was just like a continuous period cramp.

[57:02] And it just stayed. And it was just a really bizarre feeling. It wasn't, like, massively painful, but it was just definitely there. And it got to the point where I had to get up and just, like, walk and wiggle my hips and, like, do some circles.

[57:15] And probably about two. About two minutes of this, like, ongoing cramp, maybe more it kind of disappeared.

[57:23] And I was like, oh, that was a bit strange. Like, I've never felt that before.

[57:27] And you kind of imagine early labor is going to be like comings and goings, like waves of sensation. I'd never heard. I mean, I listened to so many birth stories in my preparation for birth.

[57:38] That was like one of my top tips. I just listened to the birth story every day. I'd never heard anyone saying about having these like continuous. Just cramps.

[57:46] So, yeah, I just thought, that's really strange, but I'm gonna go back to bed and just try and sleep. So that was at 2am and then I woke up at 4am, I think.

[57:57] And yeah, I had another one of those, but it kind of. It came and then it went and.

[58:04] And then another one when I was in bed. And I just had all the kind of previous stories in my head going through about, you know, early labor, just trying to sleep, if it's the night.

[58:14] So I was just lying there trying to sleep. And then it got to the point where I had to just go on my hands and knees and I was swirling my hips and I was like, yeah, I'm.

[58:23] I'm not sleeping.

[58:25] This was like quarter past four. So it was. Went from nothing to just quite a. Yeah, just.

[58:33] Just an interesting sensation that was getting more and more intense. So I got out of bed and I went downstairs and the front room was just covered in toys. And I thought, you know what?

[58:45] I'm just feeling quite restless.

[58:47] I'm just going to actually pack away all the toys in this room so that tomorrow morning when we have our lovely day alone as a couple, like, this job is done.

[58:57] So I tidied up downstairs and I was still getting regular waves at this point, but in my mind I was like, this is super. This is nothing. This is probably going to go away.

[59:09] And yeah, I'm just going to keep myself busy while I'm still feeling uncomfortable.

[59:15] And it must have been about 25 past 4, so this is only 25 minutes since I woke up.

[59:22] I just had an urge to call my dad. I was just like, you know what? I'm just going to call my dad. And as I was on the phone to him, I had quite a big contraction come through and I had to pause suddenly.

[59:35] Was like, down the phone.

[59:38] It's like, I'm on my way like my dad. And then I called the home birth team straight after him.

[59:45] And I was really apologetic when I rang. I said, you know, I think it's quite common. I was like, I'm really sorry to like, disturb you in the middle of the night.

[59:55] I said, you know, I'm getting your first few waves.

[59:58] I think it's nothing. I don't want anyone to come, but I just wanted to let you know, just so I'm on your radar. And again, when I was on the call, I had another quite a big wave come through and I had to pause and was really sounding down the phone and she was like, oh, that was a big one, wasn't it?

[01:00:16] I'm. I'm gonna send Mary out to see you.

[01:00:20] I was like, oh, no, no, please don't. I know she's gonna get here and she'll have to go home.

[01:00:26] And she was like, when I tell you what, how about she comes and if she has to go home, then that's totally fine. She'll just come and say hi and give you a check, you know, check everything's okay.

[01:00:36] And so she was really lovely. And I said, okay, no, that's fine, that's fine.

[01:00:42] And what was really wonderful was at my last checkup, I had this most incredible, like, old school midwife come, whose name was Mary. She was slightly older, and you could tell, like, I just really vibed with her.

[01:00:57] Everything about her was just great.

[01:01:00] She was just like, had this wise woman kind of aura about her. I could tell she just didn't really care too much about the kind of rules that they have to abide by.

[01:01:10] If she could sort of get past them, she would.

[01:01:13] And so, yeah, when I heard it was her who was on shift, I was just, yeah, I was really happy, even though I thought she was just going to go home immediately.

[01:01:23] So, yeah, I hung up the phone and then it was like, boom, active labor was on. And I've spoken about this with Anna before, and it's interesting because I think it was those two pieces of the puzzle I needed to sort in my head.

[01:01:40] Like, I needed to know that my dad was coming to get our son and the midwife team knew. And then my body was like, right, let's go, we're on.

[01:01:51] And yeah, I literally just was an act of labor. It was wild. And I had to just get onto my hands and knees in the front room and just had these enormous waves come over me of just power.

[01:02:08] And I remember I was on my hands and knees, leaning over my birth ball, and every time a wave came, I remember rocking forward on my knees and just letting myself, like, melt into the sensation and just let it take me and let myself just open.

[01:02:30] And it had been on a previous podcast episode I'd listened to.

[01:02:35] I think it was an interview with Ellen Fisher's birth story. She said, where you feel it the most, that is where you go, like, you open there. Like, you don't shy away from that pain or that.

[01:02:49] That area. Like, you go to that place and you let yourself go through that fire. And that is what I did. And I could feel myself opening in those. It must have been about only four or five contractions, and I was really sounding through them these, like, really guttural, like, earthy sounds.

[01:03:11] And it just felt good. It didn't feel overwhelming, it didn't feel scary, it didn't feel painful.

[01:03:18] It was just power. Like, really strong power.

[01:03:22] Yes. I was just on my own in this front room. My partner was sleeping with my toddler upstairs, so he didn't know any of this was happening.

[01:03:31] This is about 25 to 5 at this point, like, 10 minutes.

[01:03:37] And I think I then managed to tiptoe into the bedroom upstairs and just kind of tap my partner on the shoulder and was just like, come, come.

[01:03:49] You need to be here now.

[01:03:51] And I went back downstairs, and again, these waves were still coming. And every time they came, I would just sort of have to stop and throw myself on the floor and just let them come.

[01:04:04] And then I started to feel just a bit weird.

[01:04:07] I thought I might be sick. And I felt really hot and just.

[01:04:12] I didn't know what to do. Suddenly, all fours didn't feel good and I was kind of pacing around. And again, in hindsight, I think this was my transition. This is so quick.

[01:04:23] And I. I went to the loo and I sat on the toilet. I decided that I didn't need to be sick, but I sat down on the loo even though I didn't need to go.

[01:04:32] And as I sat down, there was this huge pop and my waters just exploded everywhere. And I remember laughing to myself. I was like, oh, wow, that was so neat of me.

[01:04:41] Well done, because we're in an Airbnb.

[01:04:46] Wow. Glad to catch my waters in the lake. Great.

[01:04:50] And then as I sat there, I was suddenly, like, doubled over with this feeling of, like, needing to push.

[01:04:59] And I was like, what?

[01:05:02] Hang on a minute. I've still got days left to.

[01:05:08] So I sat there on the toilet. My waters are just broken. And I decided to do what I'm going to do, my own internal check.

[01:05:15] So I put two fingers inside my cervix and, yeah, I could feel the very tip, the tip top of my baby's head. It wasn't like, right There, but I could feel the top.

[01:05:30] I never did that in my first birth. And I was like, whoa, that's very good.

[01:05:39] And then I was kind of. I think I yelled at my partner's name. I was like, the pool up, even though that's ridiculous, because there would have been no time.

[01:05:48] And then he. He just come downstairs and he had no idea what was going on. He was like, what. What was wrong? And then our toddler started crying, so he had to go back upstairs.

[01:05:58] So that was the last I saw of him until, like, the bus, because we'd made an agreement that we would never let our baby just cry. So, yeah, he disappeared back off upstairs.

[01:06:11] So I. Yeah, I got off the loo and I called the home bed team back and was like, yeah, there's a head not far away. Is Mary coming?

[01:06:25] And she was so calm and wonderful on the phone, and she was like, okay, this is perfect. Your body's obviously doing what it's meant to be doing.

[01:06:34] Yeah. I'm going to advise you to call the ambulance service, because if this baby comes quickly and there's no one there, you know, we like to have someone there if baby needs recess.

[01:06:46] And that was really shit. Sorry. That was really annoying because I really didn't feel we needed to call them. And everything was obviously working perfectly because it was all going so quickly.

[01:07:01] So, yeah, I had to make a split decision in that moment.

[01:07:07] And, yeah, I was kind of walking around for a little bit just thinking about what to do.

[01:07:14] So I was still having these huge kind of urges to push come over me. And so I walked into the. There were two rooms downstairs, and then one of them.

[01:07:22] We'd had all our home birth supplies, like, ready in the corner, so I kind of, like, managed to drag myself into that room, sort of trailing a little trail of waters behind me, walking around this Airbnb.

[01:07:35] And I just stood there and I said, okay, what do I need to do? Because this baby's coming?

[01:07:40] So I looked at the little pile of stuff, and there was a shower curtain there. So I was like, okay, sheet, waterproof sheet. I need to put that down on the floor.

[01:07:48] So I plumped it down on the floor, got on my hands and knees, and then I suddenly looked around and I was in, like, the room that was filled with, like, stuff, like a storage room.

[01:07:58] And I was like, what am I doing? I'm not birthing in here. Like, stood back up again, picked up my sheet, like, marched into the next room where I'd, like, managed to clear everything away.

[01:08:08] And I had Lit a load of candles earlier, so the room was really lovely and in the dark. So I put my sheet down and I put a blanket. We were happy to scrum sacrifice on top of that.

[01:08:20] And then I was like, cool, this is actually all I need. I've got my waterproof sheet and my blanket. We're fine. And so I just stripped off naked and got on my hands and knees and was like, right, let's go.

[01:08:32] And, yeah, I just had these humongous. Just, like, just a push come over me. And I wasn't pushing. It was just my body was just.

[01:08:43] Just bringing this baby down. And it was. When I was in that position, I had my phone on the floor in front of me. I just thought, okay, I'm kind of the one in control here.

[01:08:53] I'm gonna have to make a decision on this ambulance. I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna ring them, basically, because I was on my own. And, yeah, I just made that decision and that.

[01:09:02] That moment.

[01:09:03] And it was the most ridiculous conversation on the phone. They didn't have a clue what was going on. I was roaring down the phone at them, trying to, like, tell the baby what's coming.

[01:09:11] She was like, is your baby here? Is the baby breathing? I was like, no, it's not here.

[01:09:16] I managed to basically scream and address the phone because I was like, I'm not having a conversation at this. I need to just push my baby.

[01:09:26] Then after that, I'd hung up again. I just was left on my own, just.

[01:09:32] Just working through these sensations. And again, it just felt amazing.

[01:09:38] Very different to the first contractions. This was just. Again, it felt good. It felt like a real positive. It was just a force. I was moving through you with every contraction and every type of contraction came.

[01:09:55] I had my hand on my baby's head, and I could feel them moving down. It was so cool. And I could. I was. It was me and the baby together.

[01:10:06] We were touching with every contraction, and it was just amazing.

[01:10:10] And so I was really in my, like, labor zone then, and it was just all going so well, and I just. I didn't even think for a second that, you know, I'm all on my own.

[01:10:19] There's no one here.

[01:10:21] It was just exactly how it was meant to be, like that, you know, the body was just doing it.

[01:10:27] And then suddenly there was this huge, like, crash. And the front door opened as I left it on a latch, and, like, six huge paramedics, like, stomped into this front room, like, with their big boots on, like, flung open the door.

[01:10:42] They Switched on light. They dumped all their backs around the room and like, hi, what's going on?

[01:10:48] And I, like, just. I just looked up and I was like, what the hell are you doing? And I just screamed at them to just get out. I was like, leave out.

[01:11:01] It's like this mama bear energy just came over me. I just. It was absolute disbelief. I was like, I'm sure you must have so many of these births you go to.

[01:11:10] Like, how have you not learned how to enter a birth space?

[01:11:14] Yeah, one of them was like, we can't leave. Like, we have to know that you're okay. So I basically said, you can go wait in the street and if I need you, I'll get you.

[01:11:25] I think I said, one of you can stay in the hallway, but you. You're not to be in this room.

[01:11:31] And I think they were quite shocked. But I was so adamant. I was literally just like, what are you doing?

[01:11:38] But it was fine because at that point Mary walked in and so she sent them all home interlude with those paramedics.

[01:11:48] And yeah, she very quietly just shut the door again. It was all dark.

[01:11:53] And so it was just me and Mary and the assistant midwife who was also so wonderful. And they, they just crept in the room. They quietly closed the door. They just observed me for a bit.

[01:12:06] And I think Mary just whispered to me, oh, Nicola, you're doing amazing. Everything is perfect. Oh. And she listened to the baby's heartbeat with a Doppler and she just said, oh, such a happy baby.

[01:12:20] Such a happy baby. And just the joy from that, I remember just feeling just so over the moon. And everything about her manner was just like, perfect, what you want.

[01:12:31] And yeah, the room was just so dark. A couple of candles. And yeah, I was just doing my thing.

[01:12:40] Yeah, like 10 minutes later, my dad arrived through the front door and he just poked his head in. And what was amazing about this pushing phase was between contractions, like, all pain left.

[01:12:57] It was like there was nothing there. And so we were all like, it was a very happy birth. We were all kind of laughing in between contractions. I was still very lucid and I could talk.

[01:13:08] And so when my dad poked his head around the door, we were in between contractions at this point.

[01:13:16] So, yeah, my dad sort of poked his head around the door and I'm just there, like, butt naked on all fours with my bum in the air, like, I think with some poop coming out as well.

[01:13:29] I just, I just turned around and looked at him and just like really frantically waved and was like, hi, James, everything's great. He just gave him, like, a thumbs up, mad.

[01:13:42] He just laughed and was like, okay. And, yeah, he disappeared. And he went upstairs. And it was really sweet because I heard my little son going, papa's here. These little, like, footsteps running towards him.

[01:13:57] And then, yeah, they just got in the car straight away. And that was really nice to know that our toddler was now, like, safe and he was fine. You know, he sounded happy, and I could kind of let that bit of anxiety go, although I hadn't really been thinking about that, if I was honest.

[01:14:17] And my partner had been upstairs this whole time with the toddler. So.

[01:14:21] Emily: This whole one hour?

[01:14:23] Nix: This whole one hour? Yeah, he had no idea what was going on. He had, like, an ambulance turn up and, like, yeah, he was, like, really freaking out about what was going on.

[01:14:35] So my. Yeah, my. My dad came and got our son. And then it was so funny because the midwives were, like, so protective of the space that I think my partner then came downstairs and, like, tried to get in the room.

[01:14:48] And the midwife is like, no, I'm sorry, you can't come in here.

[01:14:54] Like, I was like, no, no, it's okay.

[01:14:58] He can come in. He's the dad.

[01:15:02] So he finally made it into the birth space about 10 minutes before our babe was born, which was perfect, though.

[01:15:11] And when he came in again, it was really funny because I think he'd remembered all the things like, that partners should do in the birth space. So he started kind of striking me and saying me, like, everything's fine.

[01:15:25] You're doing amazing. And at that point, I was just like, get off. Don't touch me. Don't talk to me like, I don't need this again. We were all just laughing.

[01:15:35] It was just a really happy time.

[01:15:38] So, yeah, these. These waves just kept coming. And when they came, I just. I would drop into my body, I would hold the head, and I would just sound like these.

[01:15:51] I don't know, these primal sounds coming, like, straight from my womb.

[01:15:56] And it was just so satisfying. And I had that experience where the head would come down and then it would go back up and then it would come down. And that happened for a while, and I knew that that was fine.

[01:16:09] That's normal.

[01:16:11] And then it got to the point where on one of the contractions, the head kind of stayed there.

[01:16:17] And I remember thinking, okay, it's probably gonna crown and the head's gonna come out in the next one. And it was. That was the only contraction, I think, where I did give it a bit of A push just to kind of try and get the head out.

[01:16:33] So, yeah, the head came out and we have a video of this moment, actually, which is really wonderful. Like, the head comes out and it's a really long pause in this moment.

[01:16:44] I think it's over a minute, maybe two.

[01:16:48] And, yeah, in the video, I think the midwife has a little torch and it catches the baby's eyes and the eyes just open really wide and the baby's just licking around the room.

[01:16:58] Really peaceful.

[01:17:01] Yeah. And think of the video. I.

[01:17:03] I just say, hello, baby. And, like, everyone laughs and the midwife says, that's your baby's head, to my partner. And he just looks at it and goes, oh, my Lord.

[01:17:15] Everything was just really funny in the moment.

[01:17:19] We.

[01:17:19] Emily: I think you shared a picture of this moment.

[01:17:22] Nix: Yeah.

[01:17:23] Emily: So with your permission, I'll share that on Instagram.

[01:17:27] Nix: Yeah, yeah.

[01:17:29] Emily: Thank you.

[01:17:32] Nix: And then, yeah, on the next contraction, he was born.

[01:17:38] It took a bit to get him out, actually. I think what usually happens is at this point, does the baby rotate once the head is born?

[01:17:45] So he didn't. He just came out shouldered straight. And so I think the midwife actually did help him out a little bit just to get him down, because I was pushing quite hard and he wasn't coming, but it was only like a couple of seconds and then.

[01:18:03] And then he came and it was my partner who caught him and then passed him through to me. I was still on all fours. I remained in this position for the entire birth.

[01:18:15] And I remember you asking me, actually, I think when I first told the story, yeah, maybe.

[01:18:20] I don't know, maybe I should have. There's no shoulders there, but perhaps maybe putting one leg up or a knee up or something might have helped the positioning a little bit.

[01:18:28] But, yeah, I was just so past thinking at that point. It was also fast. I think I was just kind of. I just remained in what was the position that was working.

[01:18:38] So, yeah, I was on all fours and he passed him through to me and, yeah, we just sat back against the sofa and this little baby was on my chest and he cried straight away and he latched pretty much immediately onto my boob.

[01:18:53] And, yeah, that's just the most amazing photo of my partner kind of holding me from behind and I'm sort of sat there, the baby on my chest. I think I'm just throwing my head back in the air, just roaring laughter.

[01:19:06] Just so much joy.

[01:19:10] So much joy.

[01:19:13] And, yeah, there we were just in the front room of this Airbnb.

[01:19:19] And this. Oh, yeah, the sofas they had are these like velvet pink, really expensive sofas. And so we had like 10 shower curtains just like everywhere. I don't care who blood on the sofa.

[01:19:34] So, yeah, they made a little nest for me on the sofa and we just got super comfy and yeah, I think someone made tea and toast as you do. And it was just so wonderfully, like normal and just amazing.

[01:19:50] And we felt like a little family in that room. The midwife was so gentle and so loving and this kind of bond, we created this like magic in the room in this last hour and it was just gorgeous.

[01:20:04] And yeah, one of my fears was about hemorrhaging or the placenta not coming. But I birthed placenta. It was really quick, 15, 20 minutes.

[01:20:14] I think one of the midwives, she said, look, you're losing a little bit of blood.

[01:20:20] It's, you know, it's getting to a point where I'm starting just to be a bit concerned, so I'd like to give you the pitocin injection.

[01:20:30] And it was Mary who came up and she was like, oh no, it's fine. I think, I think the placenta is right there, Nicola, just give it a push. And I did and it just popped out.

[01:20:41] And Mary saved the day. She knew Mary.

[01:20:44] Emily: I gotta get her on this podcast.

[01:20:47] Nix: The other placenta came and, yeah, stopped bleeding.

[01:20:50] Like the blood flow like lessened. It was all fine. I felt, I felt great. There was no signs of any significant blood loss and I did have a small second degree tear.

[01:21:03] I think the episiotomy opened up again. I think it probably was when the baby didn't turn. I imagine that that might have opened up then at that point. I didn't feel it during the birth, but again, the way they stitched me up, it was just with such care and such love.

[01:21:22] Every, you know, it was all on my terms. She was so gentle and I didn't, you know, it felt great, you know, I just felt really looked after like you would look after a child.

[01:21:33] It was just gorgeous.

[01:21:35] Yeah, the midwives, they left, they, you know, did their little checks on the baby. All the checks were done while the baby was on my chest, you know, wasn't interrupted.

[01:21:43] And then they went home and this was like, yeah, he was born at 5:59. So yeah, it was, it was two hours from the first, like legal one. And I remember looking at my partner and then like the recycling lorry went past outside and we were just like, this is just a really normal Tuesday morning, what just happened?

[01:22:07] And it was just magic because we Were just, you know, we were just in the house and it was already cozy and we didn't have to go anywhere, and we were just so happy.

[01:22:19] And it was just the most incredible, empowering, redemptive, like, powerful experience and just really stepping into that power of, you know, I could have birthed that baby on my own and it would have been fine.

[01:22:34] Like, I didn't need anyone there.

[01:22:36] And, yeah. To have had that experience the second time around was just amazing. I'm just. Yeah. I'm just so grateful.

[01:22:45] Emily: I am so happy for you. What an incredible story, and thank you so much for telling it the way you do. I mean, I just laugh so much my cheeks hurt.

[01:22:56] That was amazing.

[01:22:58] Wow.

[01:22:59] So I'm curious now if you want to say just like, a couple of words to mothers that have two small littles, you know, what's it like to expand from one baby to now two?

[01:23:13] Nix: Oh, it's a big transition.

[01:23:16] It's big.

[01:23:17] I think in the lead up to the birth, that's when I had the most grief about losing the threesome we had of just my partner and our firstborn. I actually, I had many days when I just felt just devastated that that was all going to change and devastatingly, like, worried about him.

[01:23:40] Like, you know, we were going to turn his world upside down. We all. We were all he had ever known.

[01:23:45] But then when the baby came, you know, it just became the new normal and it was fine. It was fine. And it was. You know, you find ways of making sure that they still feel just as special and just as loved.

[01:24:03] And that love that you have, it expands out into two.

[01:24:07] And it is. It is a. It's a shock and it's an adjustment. And, you know, going back into that newborn stage when you just getting to grips with the toddler was.

[01:24:17] That was a real kind of shock again.

[01:24:23] And I think being really honest, it took me a while to really feel the light burning love for the second baby. And that feels awful to say, but it took a little time.

[01:24:38] Even though the birth was amazing and we bonded amazingly.

[01:24:42] Yeah. For some reason, it took a couple of days to really land, I think, with that. And I think maybe that was because of the enormity of your world expanding to accommodate another one.

[01:24:55] I don't know, but it was the. A bit more of a slow burn for me.

[01:25:00] And then obviously it's, you know, you just head over heels and it's amazing.

[01:25:05] But it's a big adjustment, and I think it just takes time to kind of figure out your groove with two And. But you do. And then it's just amazing and it's doable and you realize how amazing it is to have two instead of one and how much fun they're going to have when they're older.

[01:25:26] But it's just. It's a journey and it's hectic and it's chaos, but it's also amazing and beautiful and brilliant. And, you know, our second is seven months now, and we're getting the first interactions when they really, like, giggle together.

[01:25:43] And it's just joyous when you see that. I mean, it's just really. Really makes your heart just want to burst.

[01:25:50] I think the toughest part is when both of them need you at the same time.

[01:25:55] And you can't. You can't be what you need to be to each of them at the same time. And it's hard and just sometimes you just feel so needed all the time to the point where you're just like, I can't give any more to anyone.

[01:26:11] Yeah, it's a different kind of being needed when there's two compared to one. But again, the positives just far outweigh the. The hardships in it.

[01:26:22] Yeah.

[01:26:23] Emily: I'm really in awe of all of my mother friends that are up to two and about to have two and just witnessing these mothers that go from one to two to three and just.

[01:26:35] We do expand.

[01:26:37] It's incredible how we as mothers have this capability, this capacity to just keep expanding.

[01:26:45] And it's like we actually don't have any concept of what it's like until we're there. Like, for me right now, to think about expanding to two feels. Feels crazy.

[01:26:54] Nix: You know what I mean?

[01:26:55] Emily: But, like, it could potentially happen.

[01:26:57] Nix: We are. We're incredible, and it's. It's huge. Like, the transition to two has been big for me. Like, I have my capacity of what I can handle. I couldn't have any more.

[01:27:10] I didn't. Yeah. Because I'm just.

[01:27:13] I know I'm at my limit. Like, in those early days, I remember, as babies do, they didn't want to be put down. So, you know, I had the baby on my shoulder like 247 or on the boob and still maintaining a normal day with a toddler, like, bang.

[01:27:31] With a baby on your boob on your shoulder. And, like, just having to squat all the time to, like, pick it and using my feet to pick up stuff and hand them to my.

[01:27:38] Because I had no hands still like that. Now take a step back and you're like, we are like superheroes and just Managing.

[01:27:49] Yeah. Even just breastfeeding and that's like a secondary job now because you're taking care full time of this crazy toddler who's like wild all day and you're still having to like do a full time job with the baby.

[01:28:01] Well, yeah, just. It's just mad how we. And we just do it and do it.

[01:28:07] Emily: You finished the mentorship.

[01:28:09] Yeah. You are literally a superwoman. I would love if you owned where you are and what you're doing and what it is you want to bring to women and birth and tell us now what you will be offering when time allows and these babies grow a little more.

[01:28:29] Or maybe what you're offering now. I want to hear all about it.

[01:28:34] Nix: Oh, my dream.

[01:28:35] My dream. And I need to start believing that this is. That this is going to happen because it feels too good to be true. But it's just to.

[01:28:44] Just to work with women in, in their journey into motherhood and beyond and be that spaceholder to help women like remember what it is they're capable of and to help them rekindle that power that they've got inside of them.

[01:29:03] Not to tell them what to do or anything, but just to. Just to be that. Yeah, that spaceholder that reminds a woman what she deserves and what she's capable of and to advocate for a woman to like be able to have the birth that she is so like born to do.

[01:29:21] And so the sacred birth work and mentorship with we've got the skills now to support women in that journey and so that will be my offering is to work with women and couples through their journey of pregnancy, conception, be there, attend births and then postpartum as well.

[01:29:41] I feel quite passionate about being there in that really tender time post birth to support women and spacehold for women.

[01:29:49] Yeah, just starting to put offerings out in the world. I'm not ready at the moment to attend births and I'm still exclusively breastfeeding, so logistically that's not possible. But starting to have a few space.

[01:30:02] Holding sessions with mamas and yeah, just hold space and debrief births. And I've met a couple of women who are due sort of spring, summertime who potentially might work with.

[01:30:15] So yeah, I mean that is dream and holding mother circles as well. Now we have a regular one every couple of weeks, which is really beautiful. And yeah, I'm just hoping that it kind of grows from here.

[01:30:30] And I think it's just about organic networking more than anything where you live in that community and you meet people who know other mothers and then it kind of grows from there.

[01:30:42] So we'll see.

[01:30:44] Emily: Yeah. Yes, I see it for you. It's and like you said, you're living in this space where home birth, natural birth is more the norm than other places.

[01:30:55] Nix: Yeah.

[01:30:56] Emily: Nyx, thank you so so so much for coming on to share your story, your beautiful medicine and for the sore cheeks from all the giggling I did.

[01:31:09] It's nice to sit down and connect with you. Do you want to drop your Instagram or if you have a website.

[01:31:16] Nix: Yeah. So my instagram is untamed underscore birth. So Untamed Birth is my name, my business name.

[01:31:26] My website is untamed birth all one word and it's.co.uk

[01:31:32] there is the.com one but that's not me. Okay co.uk

[01:31:37] beautiful.

[01:31:37] Emily: I will link it in the show notes. Thank you so much.

[01:31:42] Nix: Thanks for having me Emily. It was such a pleasure to be here.

[01:31:50] Emily: Thank you for listening through to the end. I do hope you found good medicine in today's episode and that it encourages your own soul evolution.

[01:32:01] I have a few new offers, both in person and virtual, that I'd like to tell you about. Beginning in January, I will host a free in person perinatal Women's Circle for anyone trying to conceive, pregnant or postpartum, seeking community and support.

[01:32:20] There will be a focus on preparing for natural birth and healing from birth trauma.

[01:32:25] Children are welcome. You can sign up via my website.

[01:32:30] I also now offer a monthly online virtual Village circle for families seeking an empowering physiological conception, pregnancy, labor, birth and postpartum. It's just $10 a month or free when you purchase my online course.

[01:32:48] So you want a home birth? You can gain access by signing up via my website.

[01:32:54] As always, I host women's Circles once a month at my home in Southern Maine. All women are welcome. For details, go to my website.

[01:33:05] I have 20 years of experience in the medicalized system. I let my nursing license expire in 2023 and now I walk with women seeking a physiological, instinctual and deeply spiritual conception, pregnancy, labor, birth and postpartum journey.

[01:33:24] I help prepare and repair for the most expansive rite of passage that women get to experience in this lifetime. It is my greatest honor and sole mission to hold sacred space and witness women as they claim their own inner authority and power.

[01:33:43] I am a fierce advocate and guardian of natural birth using the culmination of my life's experiences, including my own embodied wisdom when it comes to being a home birthing mother.

[01:33:56] Nearly two decades of experience in our healthcare system and a year long sacred Birth Worker mentorship with Anna the Spiritual Midwich.

[01:34:08] I support births with or without a licensed provider present at home birth centers and the hospital.

[01:34:16] I offer birth debriefing and integration sessions for women, their families and birth workers.

[01:34:24] I offer therapeutic one to one sessions, individually tailored mother blessings, closing of the bones and fear and trauma release ceremonies.

[01:34:35] If any or all of this resonates, I offer a free 30 minute discovery call.

[01:34:42] If you have birth story to share or if you're a embodied wise woman, witch healer, medicine woman, I am also interested in sharing your contribution to our soul evolution.

[01:34:55] You can book in via the link in the show notes.

[01:35:00] Thank you so much for your love and support everyone. Until next time, take really good care.